February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAM). Studies show that approximately 10% of adolescents report being the victim of physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner during the previous year. This is an issue that impacts everyone. Not just teens – but their parents, teachers, friends, and communities as well. Dating abuse affects people of all ages, backgrounds, and identities, which is why it is important to talk about how abuse can happen in young people’s relationships.
Teens often struggle with recognizing the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. Even when they recognize that something is wrong, they often struggle with ways to escape the relationship. Together, we can take 3 steps to raise the nation’s awareness about teen dating violence and promote safe, healthy relationships.
First, we must become aware of what Teen Dating Violence is. Teenagers can often misinterpret abusive and violent behavior as a show of love. It is critical that they recognize that the following are signs of abusive and violent behavior, not signs of a caring, trusting, and safe relationship:
- Does your partner get jealous when you go out or talk with others?
- Does your partner constantly check up on you, call or text you, and demand to know where you’ve been, and who you’ve been with?
- Do you find your partner saying “I can’t live without you? If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.”
- Does your partner frighten or intimidate you?
- Does your partner frequently cancel plans at the last minute, for reasons that don’t sound true?
- Does your partner try to restrict you on the way you dress or criticize your appearance?
- Do you feel like you have to justify everything to your partner?
- Are you constantly apologizing and making excuses for your partner’s behavior?
- Are you afraid to break up with your partner because you’re afraid for your personal safety?
- Does your partner call you names and put you down in front of others?
- Are you afraid to disagree with your partner, or make him/her angry?
- Has your partner forced or intimidated you into having sex?
- Does your partner put you down and then tell you he/she loves you?
- Has your partner held you down, pushed, or hit you?
- Has your partner thrown things at you?
- Does your partner make you choose between him/her, or family and friends?
- Have you seen your partner lose his/her temper, maybe even break things when they’re mad?
- Does your partner beat you and then apologize, saying they’ll change and they’ll never do it again?
Second, we must help teens escape the violence. Recognizing the warning signs may be the easy part. Now, you have to tackle helping your teen understand that the relationship is toxic. Talk to the teen about the behaviors you find concerning, and avoid ultimatums when possible. It is tempting to say things like “You are not allowed to date that person,” or ground your teen until they break up. Unfortunately, ultimatums often backfire and lead to sneaking around to continue a relationship with the person. Once that happens, they will feel that they can no longer come to you, and the relationship is then unmonitored. Create a positive connection to the issue – talk about the characteristics of healthy teen relationships, not just abusive ones.
Try setting reasonable limits and keep an open dialogue with your teen. Limiting electronic usage is a good idea and gives the teen a break from the pressure of a potentially toxic relationship. Limit unsupervised contact, and instead invite the love interest to your home. Having them hang out in your home may give you a clearer picture of what is going on.
If you suspect your child is in a relationship that may involve physical or sexual abuse, seek professional help immediately. Contact your local law enforcement to report suspected abuse and seek counseling for your teen.
Third, we must make sure teens know what resources are available to them. Help your teen identify resources for support and education and encourage them to reach out if they recognize unhealthy patterns in their relationships. Teens may or may not be comfortable speaking to you about the issue so connect them to resources they can access themselves as well:
- STOMP Out Bullying provides information and resources for identifying and handling teen dating violence.
If you know of a teen or parent that could benefit from speaking to a caring, well-trained peer advocate, please connect them with the National Dating Abuse Helpline, a project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1-866-331-9474 (TTY: 1-866-331-8453), by texting “loveis” to 77054.